By Aubrey Reynolds (Nicaragua Trip Goer)
Sometimes, the cost of following Jesus seems like everything we have, everything we own, and everything we think we are.
In Luke chapter 18, starting at verse 18, you will find the story of a rich young ruler. In the story, the ruler comes to Jesus and asks a question: “What should I do to inherit eternal life?” I imagine that he asked this question as a way to receive reassurance of what he already believed to be the truth. Because in this culture and time period, wealth is often seen as a direct correlation to the favor of God. Remember Job? In his story, when he was wealthy, his friends saw him as a righteous man, but when he lost everything they saw him as a sinner. So, don’t you just know that when our young ruler comes to Jesus and is able to say, “I have obeyed these commandments since I was young,” he feels positive he’s about to receive praise from The Lord. But Jesus knows our heart, and He knew this guy’s heart. So Jesus says, “Sell all of your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Unfortunately, when he heard this, the man became very sad, for he was very rich, and that’s the last we hear of him. I am left to assume that he lost his soul to hold on to his worldly possessions.
“It sounds foolish to lose your soul to hold onto something that isn’t eternal, doesn’t it? This man came looking for reassurance of a life well-lived and instead found conviction over the fact that his wealth had become more important to him than his own soul. This man was standing face to face with Jesus, the Messiah, God in the flesh, the ONE THING that is better than all the things, and he chooses the world. Why would he do that? Or maybe the question we should really be asking is, why do WE do that?”
This man’s story really isn’t that different from my own and that’s a hard thing for me to admit but it’s the truth. I can’t recall a time that I didn’t know Jesus as The Messiah. From a very young age I would have gladly told you that Jesus was the Son of God, that He died to save me from my sins and that three days later He rose again and walked out of that tomb, defeating the power of death for all eternity and gifting me eternal life with Him forever. That is the truth. I believe it. I have always believed it, but a little over two years ago I began to learn that there is a big difference in believing that Jesus is who He says He is and trusting that Jesus will do what He says He will do. The young ruler believed in Jesus and he knew he needed Jesus to be assured of eternity in heaven, but he didn’t trust that Jesus had something better to give him than all he already had. He went away sad because he had let the gifts become more important than the gifter. My story, while much the same, has a different ending. I chose Jesus but not before trying to do it my own way.
In January 2021, my father passed away. His poor health was not unexpected, but I struggled with his death. I realized that I held a lot of unforgiveness towards my father for the choices he made that affected our family. I grappled with these feelings for months until I turned to my faith and asked for help in forgiving my father and myself. This journey led to a process of self-reflection and change in my life.
He started with unforgiveness and anger and I worked hard to forgive people who had wronged me even if they hadn’t asked for forgiveness. From there I was shown the compromise and complacency that had become my way of life. I started being more intentional about the people I spent my time with and I began to be a better steward of my time. And it was here that I got stuck. I couldn’t seem to identify exactly what it was that needed to be removed from my life but over and over I would hear the word “idols” I felt pressed by The Holy Spirit all of the time and it became miserable trying to identify what I was missing. Finally, in total desperation and complete brokenness, I cried out to Jesus, “what do I need to do to get my relationship with You to the place it’s supposed to be?” I didn’t love the answer. I needed to let go of the things I held the tightest and I didn’t want to but I wanted to be obedient. So I spent a little time trying to redefine what obedience looked like so I could fit it in my plan for my life instead of trusting Jesus to work out His plan for my life, through obedience.
I had been married for 23 years when I asked this question of The Lord. I won’t tell you they were 23 amazing years of a beautiful marriage that was the picture of Jesus’ love for the church that marriage was designed to be, but I loved being a wife. It was my favorite title.
I had been blessed to be the mother of 5 beautiful children when I asked this question of The Lord. I was a good mom but I certainly had not made God the center of their lives the way I should have. They knew who Jesus was but they kept one foot in the world at all times and in an effort to make sure they liked me, I turned a blind eye to that most of the time because my second favorite title was Mom.
Those titles, wife and mom, were given to me as good gifts from a gracious Father and instead of treating them as such, I elevated them to the most important things in my life. Instead of finding my identity and worth in Jesus and the price He paid for my freedom I pushed him to the back burner. I found my identity and tied up my worth in the way that my husband, my children and the world viewed my performance as a wife and mom. The gifts had become more important than the gifter and because of that, the gifts weren’t handled well. I had made idols of them and now Jesus was asking me to let them go. To lay those titles aside and out in my true title of follower and follow Him. I had asked Him “what do I need to do?” And He answered “you have to want to follow me, more than you want to keep them”
I struggled with this because if I’m honest this sounds harsh, even now. “They are my family. What do you mean Lord?” I prayed constantly and the more I prayed the more my eyes were opened to the fact that yes, I was a wife but my marriage was far from the picture of Jesus’ love for the church that marriage is intended to be. Nothing about my marriage was bringing Glory to God. In fact, my marriage was a picture of compromise, complacency and lukewarm Christianity. Yes, I was a mother but as a mother I had not made faithful disciples of my children. I had simply made more lukewarm Christians who were at this point grown and struggling in one way or another with life and all the troubles living in this broken world brings.
It was time for me to let go of my titles and follow Jesus so He could fix all the things I had messed up by allowing myself to believe that since the world says if we go to church on Sunday, pray semi regularly and can recite a few scriptures then our heart will be right and our lives will be blessed. Much like that young ruler from earlier, I allowed my “wealth” to convince me of my righteousness. The more my eyes were opened to the true position of my heart, the more afraid I was to let go. Not only was my pride about to take a beating when my whole world finds out that my loving marriage and picture perfect family are just big elaborate lies; I had failed my family! My husband wasn’t following Jesus at all and my kids were struggling in their own relationships with The Lord. Worst of all, to truly let go and follow Jesus would cost me what I thought was everything! My home, my possessions, my marriage, my daily place in the lives of my family, EVERYTHING. I honestly did not know if I could pay that price. I was afraid and I was heartbroken.
In the last two verses of our story in Luke 18, you’ll see Peter get a little frustrated after hearing Jesus tell everyone how hard it is for the wealthy to enter the kingdom and in verse 29 he says “we left our homes to follow you” The disciples had paid some really high prices to follow Jesus. Jesus knew that and He reminds them that obedience doesn’t just require big sacrifice it has great benefits. In verse 30 Jesus says “Yes, and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will be repaid many times over in this life, and will have eternal life in the world to come.”
Sometimes the cost seems unbearably high to follow Jesus, but is anything worth more than your soul?
In the end, I chose Jesus. My husband did not, he chose divorce and it broke my heart, but I stayed obedient. My kids were mad at me for a while as I changed from just wanting them to like me to me challenging them to measure every thought and problem against the truth and goodness of Jesus Christ. My sons and I butted heads over it so much that they stopped talking to me for some months and some days that hurt so bad I thought it might literally kill me, but I stayed obedient. I kept my eyes firmly placed on God and He began to strip away all the pride, fear and idols I had made and He replaced them with humility, joy and contentment in the fact that even if I never get the marriage or the family I have always wanted, I have Jesus and that is enough. It is more than enough.
Mark 8:34-36 says “Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?”
We have to be willing to lose our lives for the sake of The Good News. Not because our lives are useless but because absolutely nothing can compare to what we gain when we follow Jesus. I lost my husband in pursuit of Jesus and Jesus replaced that relationship with a host of people who love me well, people that pray for and with me, people who daily point me to Jesus.
I gave up my home and most of my worldly possessions to follow Jesus and Jesus hasn’t since let me experience one moment that I didn’t have the things I need. I may not have in my possession all the things I had before but I have the assurance that The Lord will never leave me or forsake me.
I lost some time with my kids in my pursuit of Jesus but one by one I have watched them come to me, looking for the source of the joy I have found in the face of the “loss”. Because I have continued to stand in obedience my children have been able to watch Jesus break the chains of sin on my life and they know that freedom is theirs as well if they just follow Him.
I started out believing that the cost of following The Lord might be too high for me. That maybe I wouldn’t be able to do it. Now looking back I can see that holding on to all that I thought defined me almost cost me my own soul. And is anything worth more than your soul?
The answer is no!
